Movies, movies & more movies!

The thing about being jobless...umm.. rather unemployed is that you have all the free time in the world to do things you wished you did when you were working.

So have been spending all my time watching all kinds of movies and it's fun. Think my video rental guy is probably out of movies.

Watching 3 movies in a day really helps get your mind off things like...certain annoying people!!

Restless.

Voices in my head. Voices that talk to me all day long, even when I am asleep.

It's a scary feeling... and lonely when it's not there.

I hate the feeling and love it at the same time.

Do I want to get rid of them...? Is this normal..? Does everybody ponder over small things too?

I wonder.

The Secret,,,

I go through a spaz attack when I'm nervous.

Use Vocabulary which doesn't make sense. AArrrgh!

What's your secret?

Tough one.

Sometimes life takes a lot out of you and you reach a crossroad without any sign boards thinking which way would not take to you to the wicked witch of the west.

I have reached that crossroad today. Luckily I do have the sign boards. It leads to two ways. One which says "career" and the other which says "married life responsibilities".

It's definately not difficult to merge these two roads into one. But, here in India, you can't because apparently you need to be a PHD to even be considered for a clerical position.

I have a 5 year experience with one of the most well renowned multi national companies in Dubai. But apparently, experience is just something in the mind. It's the IT graduates from IIT/IIM or the MBA passouts from various schools situated in some remote place of this country.

Now like I'm uneducated. I am a graduate. I'm just not an MBA or a PHD. Somehow, that's not enough here.

And I fail to comprehend why??!!! No wait.. I don't want to comprehend why!

Still changing..

We have changed. You think?

I strongly feel that our generation has made a difference to the general thinking in a lot of ways..

We don't really believe in racism. We all think that war is a waste of time. We think that it's okay to end a marraige if not working out. We believe that all religions have a place on this earth. We don't judge people very quickly now.

I say these things only and only in retrospect for our generation. The generation of today. The generation which is making a change to the soceity. The educated generation who at many points in life think that in many ways our parents might be wrong to think a certain way.

But are we really changing..???

Sure, we have welcomed technology into our lives. We have started opening our minds and thoughts to larger things and overlook many small and menial problems.

One thing where I really feel that we need to work on is how we treat the less fortunate people.

I live in Bombay, the financial capital of India. Over here,it's not like the other parts of this cultured country. You will find freedom for gays, make your own bold statement, to show without fear the influence of the western culture upon oneself. Things that are still alien in many parts of this place. However, knowingly or unknowingly, we still practice discrimination..amongst our own people..and it's sad.. no wait, its pathetic.

Servants, yup we still call them that and i hate it, are very common in each and every household. Unfortunately, the influence the British had on us whle the ruling period, we seemed to have treasured most of the negative points.

Why can't we treat our "Domestic help" ( and that's what I want to call it..!) thinking with the factor that they too are a human race and not someone we bought at the human trafficking trade fair?

They do our dirty jobs..Jobs that we leave the west and come back so that we have the advantage of someone washing our dishes/clothes, sweeping the floor, running around for our errnads. Yet we disrespect them in the most extreme way we can think of.

I have witnessed people, who still beliEve that they shouldn't eat untill we've eaten first, that they should sleep on a hard ground without a proper beddings when clearly they do all the hardwork , people..(and this i dislike the most) give them seperate crockery because they can't stand up to our level even in the food they eat. Their toilets are situated outside the house 'coz apparently their pee stinks..So what our smells of jasmine? People who believe that they should never have an opinion and should be at our beck and call 24/7. Oh and by the way, we pay them peanuts!

Honestly, I think we treat our dogs better. This is a disgrace to our behaviour. We should be ashamed to even say the word "servant" . Why can't we do something about this?
Why can't we behave like we are educated and not a target of a tradition that is been going on for generations.

We need to change. If we can accept changes like technology, infedility, transexuals, western influence, gay marraiges..and many more..then we can do this. That is if you want to.

Stop discriminationg people less fortunate. Treat them with respect and see a different soceity.

Abolish the word "Servant"!

If you still don't, then maybe you shouldn't be here in the first place.

This Place.

We all are the same ...aren't we?

Sure.. we may come from different countries, speak diffrent languages, come from various cultures, practice different religions..but here...in this place..we are the same.

Over here, no one's bad, no one's good. Over here, we are just what we are..ordinary people. We forget our problems at home, only to witness someone else's who aren't even real ,at times. We laugh with strangers, maybe sometimes cry together.But we are amongst those whom we don't know. Never met. But we still sit together. Together and in peace.

Over here for about a matter of hours, we enjoy each others company without bitching about anybody, without making small talk,without any judgement.

This takes us into a world where we can imagine being whoever we want to at that time..and nobody will know. Here, we can fall in love with the perfect partner. Here, we can fight the bad guys. Here, we can have a happy ending.This may just be the perfect world.

Here at the movies,in the hall, for about 3 hours..we understand each other..we are together...sitting quietly in harmony. Sharing joy and sorrow depicted by the characters who bring us together.

So...we are the same...aren't we?

Pathetic...

If someone had to ask me, "What was the most boring day of your life?"

"Today" would be my answer!

Annoying!

Don't get me wrong.. I love kids.. just the well-mannered ones.

I don't understand people who sit calmly when their kids are going around dropping things.. wiping chocolate covered hands on sofas..smacking people on their heads.and lots more!!!

I feel like beating them up...the parents.. and then the kids!

Random Thoughts- A short story

Neena curled up on her arm chair with the box. It's been long since she last went through its contents. There was dust residing on it now. It was one of her shoe boxes hidden away in the back of the wardrobe where no one would ever see it or imagine what would be in it.
She was alone at home. She had finished all her housework. Made sure all the clothes are washed, dried,ironed and arranged, just like how Neil liked it. Random thoughts, she called it, enveloped her mind which made her go back in time.

She removed the cover over the box. Everything inside was neatly arranged. She had done so each time after she was done reminiscing. There they were, pulling her into the past...for the last time.

Photographs which kept his face in her mind intact,Letters; some which made her smile and others which made her heart swell and caused a stream down her cheeks. There was a small teddy bear keychain, which he had won for her, shooting moving ducks at the summer fun fair.But her favourite was the pendent. The one which is a heart shaped and cracks in the middle and both the parties can keep each of it. She had the one which said "LO.." and he had kept the "..VE".

She thought of all the good times they had. She thought of all the petty fights they had too and smiled about them. But the truth also remained that he wasn't in her life now. It's been 3 years now,she thought, since we last saw each other.

It had been 2 days before she would be Mrs Bannerjee. He asked her to meet him at the same place they had first met. She left the home saying, she still needed some alterations on her sari blouse. Her cousins teased her that she used that as an excuse to probably meet Neil. Neena managed to smile. She couldn't help but feel fear,anxiety,excitement and confusion. She had to meet him one last time, she thought. She had already prepared herself to give Neil a chance to make her believe in love again. Till then, she had to go meet the man who introduced her to love altogether.

They met at the train station. The same place where they met for the first time 2 years ago where he walked up to her and inquired about the trains and their destinations. He was new to Bombay, he had said. Neena helped him and found out that he was on the same destination as hers. From then on, Neena waited for her new friend who was alien to her city to make him feel comfortable by travelling together. He later told her ,in due course of their relationship, that he had never set foot out of Bombay ever and his father was the station master and had spent most of his childhood at the stations and couldn't come up with a better excuse to talk to her. Neena had just blushed and was glad that he did so. In a month, they were inseperable and found love.

It had been a brief meeting at the chai stall, their rendezvous. All kinds of emotions were overwelhming that day.He had asked her to come away with him. She told him that she had to stay. He pleaded for a another chance. She smiled and said it was too late. After a defeated conversation, he had dropped her to her car where they had embraced in their last passionate kiss. They parted..with tears in their eyes and heavy hearts. No more questions were asked. No more answers were seeked.

Neena drove home in silence. She left her past behind but carried her memories along. This was the end of a chapter and two days later, she opened a new one.

But it was time to move on now. Neil had been nothing but patient with Neena. Neil had found her very secluded in the beginning but gave her time to adapt to the new place and was cooperative in every way. She slowly and willingly gave in to her present, and gradually fell in love...again. She could finally let go of the box. She wondered where he would be now? Did he get married? Was he happy? Did he still think of her the way she did? All these questions didn't matter now, she thought.

Neil had gone to Bangalore for work and was returning in an hour. Today, she was about to enter another chapter. She wasn't sure what was happening when she felt like sleeping all day,when she thought the food was smelling bad, when she found a new grown liking towards pickle. The doctor gave her the reports earlier that morning. She felt fear,anxiety,excitement and confusion. A collection of emotions ,she wasn't new to. This time, these emotions were all for the right reason.

Neena wanted to surprise Neil. She had planned to place the report in the drawer where he would normally come home and place his wallet and watch in. She already cooked his favourite dinner, cleaned and dressed up a bit for him. She still fit in her favourite dress..After all, it had been just 10 weeks. Still another month before it would start to show. She was watching the news when she had decided to get rid of her old memories. It was time to make new ones.

She finished going through the contents one last time. She stood up to dispose the box of the past. That's when she heard the "Breaking news".
" The flight AI706 Air India from Banglore to Mumbai disintergrated in mid-air, off the coast of Mumbai, killing all 326 passengers on board. The flight was only 30 minutes from the Mumbai Domestic Airport. Officials said that they don't know the cause of the crash but........."

There she stood...staring at the TV...numb and cold...with no thoughts in her mins...staring with her past in her hand and her present gone.

Time wasted...

How much...just how many days, hours, seconds and mili-seconds would I have let gone just by doing NOTHING!

And I mean.. absolutely NOTHING..!!!

It's a brand brand world out there.

In 1998, when I went to school in Sharjah, it was not only about the education. Society pressured me to look a certain way to fit in with my peers. A jean cloth backpack with numerous pockets with atleast a dozen funky keychains hanging from the zips. Didn’t matter how my hair was done but yes the only accessory we doted on were our Baby- G Casio watches and our version of Monolo's were the Doc Martin boots.

So when I had my lunch date with myself at one of the finest cafe's in the Jumeirah beach area, I was ready with all the "by yourself" meal weapons. I carried my laptop,a book and had the numbers handy of those people whom I had to "catch up" with. But surprisingly I didn't need to use my weapons of mass dining. I had other things which regaled me.

Dubai is well-known for it's beautiful cosmopolitan women. Here, everyone just has the famous "America's next top model" makeover everyday. Women ARE conscious about the way they look and aren't afraid to show it or shall I say spend it. So when I noticed the table next to me occupied by a bunch of 17 year olds it was then I realised how they started young to keep up the reputation and how it had jumped 10 steps ahead.

There they were. Each part of their body was reeking of a brand. Louis Vuitton bags were resting on the chairs safely,Gucci watches were telling the time, Aldo and some of them even Jimmy Choos' resided south of their ankles, IPhones displayed in a line on the table, Prada sunglasses stylishly perched on their heads, couture which represented half the clothing line from the fall collection in the Milan Fashion Week, french manicures flaunted by the gestures they made and the MAC gloss was reuniting with the lips every 15 minutes.

What happened? Were we the last generation who actually saved up our allowance to get our favourite pairs of pants from "Splash"? Did we actually consider getting our eyebrows done a breakthrough makeover?
These and many other questions cropped up in my head and I could come up with just no reason why had the scenario changed drastically. I was glad I couldn't. I liked it this way.

Fashion brands are,definately, the new Martians who’ve taken over our planet and the new generation of the most hip city in the Middle East, Dubai, proves it.

Baby talk.

After being married for over 2 years, its hard as it is to dodge people who judge you if you don't decide to occupy your life with a baby and to make it more torturous,you have other couple friends who already got pregnant in their first trimester after their wedding.

So when my new married and pregnant or already delivered friends asked me to join them for lunch on a saturday afternoon, I knew that this was going to be a conversation where i'll have to fake smile and put all my knowledge of watching 'A baby story' on discovery to great use.

So the conversations were all about the best playschools,the ideal pampers, the first signs of cold and other deseases that they can catch at the creche, the breastfeeding and the advantages of it...and it went on and on while I quietly relished on my pesto pasta wishing that I have come up with one of my excuses which could be a manicure appointment or cooking for the husband, maybe even with a fake fever . But no excuse could be stronger than "a baby emergency" one. Every one of these friends of mine used it.

And before you know it, lunch dates are being cancelled,have to re-schedule shopping days, everything is accoding to feeding time or school time. I'm aware that you do tend to revolve your days and time around the infants but truthfully..

So are babies an excuse for every woman to cut off from their non-pregnant or their single friends? A part of me hopes not..but a part of me seriously hopes it is.

In another place altogether...

It's dirty. The atmosphere isn't pleasant. There's racism,hostility, coldness and dirt..everywhere..everything is pathetic. Nothing is pretty..Nothing. The roads, the people, the infrastructure, the cars,the attitude, the lifestyle...nothing..absolutely nothing worth fighting or staying happy for.

No friends,No foes, No work, No future, No help, No support, No love, No emotion, No fun, No where to go, No one to talk, No one to hold, No one to laugh with, No one to cry with ..No one worth living with..Here..it's blur...Here..it's hell.

I'm angry. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that I didn't think this over. I'm angry that I left my loved ones to suffer,thinking that it might be for the better. Clearly, it wasn't. I'm angry with no future planned out. I'm angry with not being serious. I'm angry ..I'm just so angry.

It's a dead end now. Don't know where to go, Don't know what to do. Am all by myself and need to solve this..fast or else it'll be too late. I'm afraid..it already is.

I want out.

It's uncomfortable now.

Suffocating, more like it.

The hostility is in the air.

It's hard to breathe.

It feels alienated here.

Doesn't feel too good.

It's lonely here.

Mental Torture.

When you belong to a typical religious cultured family, that's fate. But when you chose to belong to one out of , i don't know,maybe "love", that is the stupidest thing you could ever do in your life.

I,and have no qualms in saying this, am that stupid person.

I love my husband. I do. But living with his family who, obviously, have a weird mind of their own is a disaster.

I like to be cultured, but at the same time I'd like to see myself possessing some manners. However, this doesn't seem to remotely exist in the opposition party.

It can be okay ,at times, to overlook it, maybe even good to whine about it from time to time but you definately can't ignore it. It would be hard to.

No there is nothing wrong with me.. what's wrong is these people acting as though they have got up and come from a village and are absolutely illiterate. That would have been comforting though. That would have been a resonable explanation for their manners or rather in this case, the sheer lack of it.

Wishing for this to get over won't be a practical thing to do ever and hoping for it to get better one day will be good faith but you don't know that for sure.

Till then, I will slowly seek my way into the mental asylum. That's the only way this road leads to.

My all....

She asked me,"Why you distant now?"

"What makes you think that?",I said.

"I know you well. I have known every one of your heartbeats. Every breath that you took, in happiness or in woe, I felt it... sometimes with tears of happiness and sometimes with exhilerating pain.",she said.

"I never knew how you did that.", I replied,

"And you never will," she smiled,"You never will have what I have for you, what I have gone through with you. You will never feel it. But the truth also remains that I have been there for you. Always had the shoulder for you when you needed one. Stood by you when you were wrong, but never deserted you like the rest did. Always loved you selflessly..you are my identity, my reason to grow in life. You brought me happiness and joy that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world."

I looked at her blankly. Didn't know what to say. Had I dissapointed her in any way? I had asked her that.

"Not at all.", she chuckled,"Not at all honey..You could never do anything in the world for me to even remotely think that about you."
"But I can't do this anymore", she sighed, " I need you now. You're old enough to understand that aren't you. This time I need the shoulder. I need you to wipe my tears. I need your support. I need YOU."

"You think I'll live up to it?", I asked.

"I'm not forcing you love, it's your choice."she said. "I will just pray for you to be happy."

"I've made up my mind," I spoke with tears in my eyes now. "I want to do this..I want to be there for you. Just like you are. You are everything that I have. You are my all. I love you Mum. I love you."

Hormonal!

It's hard you know.. it really is. It's the time of my monthly cycle and as much as you read about this in health magazines, watch Dr Oz advising on this on Oprah, you just can't control that sudden rush of your hormones.

You're happy one minute, like you've been titled the 'most beautiful and luckiest girl in the world' and then you feel like a earthquake victim having lost all your belongings and your loved ones left with absolutely NOTHING!

It's hard to take over them. They totally invade you.

I hate this feeling. I want to fight this. I mean it is ,after all, mind over matter.

The adrenalin was so high in the morning that I was ready to bungee jump off the Grand Canyon, but now it's late in the night and I can vouch that I dont have any serious issues of life. God has been kind. Yet the thought of just letting everything go and vrying my heart out (on nothing..) is very tempting. I won't though.. I know better. But that still doesn't convince the thoughts.

Stupid Hormones!

Mind Games.

A past is like your soul. It remains with you till the day you die.

When she saw other people, who are content, happy and are settled in life, she often wondered, 'What was their past like?','Did they also have many affairs before they settled down?, 'Did they also have loose characters?', 'Did they steal?', 'Did they lie?', 'Did they hurt their parents in return of the love they got?'.

She lived in the world of dreams. Every decision she took was on the spur of the moment never realising what the outcome could be. She dreamt that she would be famous. How couldn't she? She was talented.She dreamt that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. And why not? She was pretty, but so were others. She dreamt that she would be the world's richest woman. She had it all planned, she would marry the richest guy which would make her the richest woman automatically.

She lived in a bubble and when, one day, the bubble would burst, it would hurt no one but her.

She was very self conscious. Every where she went, she felt that people knew about her. They knew how bad she had been. The girl was worried that it would affect her present. Ofcourse, she tried to hide these. She would be extra sweet or sometimes,extra defensive. Even if someone,asked her where she went to school, she lied. She wanted the world to know that she had a life that people would only imagine in movies or in a different world. Her life had to be perfect. She had to be an all-rounder. Everybody she met should have an impression about her on how lovely she is and this made her a compulsive lier.

She was aware of this and wanted to stop it. For she, herself didn't know the person she really was.

Like when you meet someone,you can tell, if the person is meek or friendly,smart or dumb, dominating or a pushover, a gossip monger or nonchalant.

With her, you could never tell who she is. You would have a different opinion about her each time you met her. Was she suffering from personality disorder? Was it an alter ego? No one knew.

But this would disturb her to an extent where she thought she would go mad. Was her mind playing games with her?


She wanted to sort her life out. But how? She didn't want conselling? She didn't want anybody to know her weakness. Remember she was self-conscious. But she had to start. She had to start somewhere.